As most Irish people will be aware, there has been a media storm over the past few days about an article posted on SpunOut (http://spunout.ie/life/article/threesomes) giving information and advice to young people about having threesomes. Though the post has been edited since its original publication, most of the article is still there and its content is being widely debated by media outlets around the country.Before I share my thoughts on the article and the issues around it, let me give you some more context. SpunOut is a partly government funded youth website aimed at 16-25 year olds that provides information and advice on a wide range of issues including physical, sexual, emotional and mental health as well as relationships, alcohol, drugs and employment. The conversation that has been happening in Ireland has been around the following questions: Is it appropriate/morally right/wise to be giving information to young people about this issue? Should a government funded website be taking a stance on whether or not this is wise or appropriate behaviour? My problem is not with the article nor with particular views on either side of the conversation. My feeling is that we're having the wrong conversation. As a former youth worker, youth group leader and mentor, my question is this: Where are young people learning about sex? And What are they learning? Sex is everywhere in our culture. From adverts for Hunky Dory crisps to Club Orange soft drinks to Magnum ice creams to Deep River Rock water, sex is used to sell even the most mundane products. When music was still on MTV, almost every video and album cover used (and uses) sex to sell music. When teenagers get home from school and turn on the TV, most of the plot lines are about sex and relationships, whether it's Coronation Street, Hollyoaks, Eastenders or Friends, it's everywhere. Even The Simpsons talk about it for goodness sake. One female commentator on Newstalk (Sunday morning) profoundly pointed out that Joey Tribbiani in Friends used to talk about threesomes as if it were the ultimate sexual goal ... and Friends first aired in 1994! The Big Bang Theory juxtaposes intelligent but socially awkward geeks who are considered uncool with a bimbo-ish neighbour who makes up for academic failures with her sexual prowess. How I Met Your Mother features Barney Stinson as the ultimate playboy who secretly records his sexual encounters and makes a list of his sexual conquests. And all of this is on TV before the bedtime of most 12 year olds. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy these programs (well ... not the soap operas) and find them hilarious. But I'd be either a fool or a liar to think they didn't impact my understanding of sex when I was a teenager. Add to the above the fact that the average age that Irish young people start watching porn is 11 and we realise that this hyped up conversation happening around the SpunOut article is ridiculous. (http://www.thestar.ie/star/kids-watch-porn-during-homework/) Stop messing with the stable door. That horse has long since bolted. Here's the fact we're forgetting: Most of the young people who are now being 'informed' about threesomes have already watched them online. And many have already had such a sexual experience.
I was a youthworker for ten years. I'm a Christian. And I'm a 30 year old virgin. I can understand why many might think that renders me irrelevant to the conversation that young people are having about sex but I haven't found that to be the case. In fact, the opposite is true. The reason young people talk to me about sex is not because of my extensive sexual experience (or lack thereof). They talk to me about their experiences because I'm honest about mine, I'm not judgmental and I have a high threshold for the awkwardness of such conversations. I don't idolise virginity nor do I celebrate promiscuity. And I'm more passionate about who they're becoming than what they've chosen in the past. I'm not calling for a return to puritanical values, a stricter watershed or virginal advertising standards. You cannot legislate cultural change. I'm calling for youth workers to engage in compassionate, open, vulnerable conversations and to be role models in the area of sex and relationships. I'm calling on parents to find the courage to have these conversations with their teenagers and to be prepared to talk about the choices they've made, the ones they're proud of and the ones they regret. I'm calling on spiritual leaders not to idolise virginity because virginity only matters because sex matters. And sex matters every single time, not just the first time. And I'm calling for an end to this bulls**t conversation about whether or not SpunOut should be talking about threesomes. At least they have the courage to do so. Do I agree with what was originally published in the article? No. I take issue with the idea that someone between the age of 16 and 25 needs to 'spice up' their sex life. I find it a terrifying idea that sex could become so mundane to a teenager that they need to spice it up. I also take issue with people defending the website on the basis of its target audience since a website's intended demographic is NEVER its sole demographic, a lesson we should have learnt from porn itself. But the real tragedy is this: Our social commentators are going bananas over the fact that a website is providing young people with information about a product they bought because we sold it to them. Our young people need more than information. They need real life conversation with role models that are open, accessible, informed and honest. The real tragedy is that our culture is having a conversation about whether or not the stable is safe while the horses are exposed and lost in a storm of half-truths and misinformation. Our young people deserve more than a conversation about them. They deserve for us to have a conversation with them where they can be real about where they've been, what they've seen and how it's impacted them. Only then can we have a conversation about where we go from here. And if we want young people to trust us enough to have that conversation, we need to meet them where they're at and be honest about our own experiences.